Chapter 5

Continued from…

That little life had changed our lives forever and no one would know, that this little life had even existed, inside of me, for a couple of months. I would never have a grave to go visit or a place to leave flowers, as a rememberance. This memory, this aching hole in my heart would be with me for the rest of my life, till my last dying breathe. I would be the one to safely guard this baby’s memory.

We made our way to the Drs office. Paula greeted us and we were introduced to the Dr. He invited us back to his office. We sat down and I asked if he had some tissues and I apologized ahead of time, explaining I might sob through the entire appointment because I was SURE, I had just lost my baby. He handed me a box of tissues and told both of us, we could cry all we wanted. He assured us that he had indeed marked off a couple of hours just for us. He explained that he wanted to get all of my records from my other doctor’s office and he would want to do blood work to comfirm that I had indeed lost the baby, just in case.

If you need to start at the beginning, you can click on the “book cover” , in the side bar, for a link to each chapter.

Chapter 5- Warning –Emotional Flood Up Ahead

I went down to the lab for blood work.  The first of many visits to that lab for me.  Little did I know, at that time, how many times I would visit that place.

We spent the weekend not knowing the results but at the beginning of the following week it was confirmed that we had lost the baby.  Our new Dr confirmed that there was indeed a baby.  I really was pregnant.  Unfortunatley, had the first Drs office taken steps to get me on progesterone there was a good chance that baby would have made it.  My new Dr confirmed that my numbers weren’t that low.  He said “the good news, you have gotten pregnant and once the body knows what to do, ladies are usually pregnant again within 6 months.”

I went back to work the next day.  I thought I had myself under control until I walked in the office and saw the look in people’s eyes.  Some don’t know what to say and so they say nothing.  Other people say how sorry they are and when they see the tears whelling up in your eyes, they hurry off.  Others try to say things that are supposed to be a comfort but they stab you in the heart.  I can not tell you how many times I heard “there was probably something wrong with it and isn’t it better to loose it than to have to deal with that”.  I remember telling my Mother, “If one more person says that to me, I am going to say back “Do you think I wouldn’t have loved my child if something was not PERFECT about them”.  Luckily I did not hear it again while the wounds were so raw.

My heart knew that my baby was cradled and loved by the Lord Himself and my baby was perfect and whole but it did not take away the huge gapping hole in my heart.  I began to be very careful about what I said and didn’t say.  My heart was wounded and  well meaning people sometimes said horrid things.  I had a MOM say to me “some people just aren’t meant to be Mommies”.  It already felt as if someone had ripped my heart out of my chest, stompped on it and shoved it back into my chest.  Now it felt as if someone had yanked it out again and gone over it with a cheese grater.  The huge hole in my heart was raw and tender.

2 days later, as I was about to walk out the door to head to work, the phone rang.  My husband was on the phone and I could tell by the conversation going on that I needed to wait around till he was done.  He finished his call and told me he was being transferred to New Jersey and had to leave in 2 days to drive there.  I would need to get everything ready to sell the house.  He would start looking and then they would fly me out to look at houses.

The next day, before he left, we planted a tree in my parents yard for our baby and the following day my husband was gone.  It was so hard to see him pull away.  I needed him so much, more than I realized.  I shoved all of my emotions to the back of my mind and began the task of getting our house on the market and sold.  Every morning before leaving for work I would mop all the floors and shine all the faucets.  We had an in-ground pool and I had to maintain that plus the yard.  Our home sold quickly and 6 weeks later our furniture was on a moving truck.

My husband flew back in to help me make the drive across country.  I was moving to a state where I knew no one.  We were moving away from family and friends.  My husband was working late hours at his new position which meant I would get to unpack most of the boxes all by myself.

We left Missouri and we got to Ohio and everything that had been shoved to the back of my mind and heart came flooding back in.  We were halfway between our old home and life and our new home and life. The tears began to flow and then the uncontrollable sobbing began.  My poor husband had never seen his bubbly wife like this before.  The emotions were pouring out of me as if they had no where else to go.  I had never cried so hard or so long,  We stopped at a road side park and got out to take a walk and get some fresh air.  I was still sobbing.  We had a dog and we needed to let him have a break.  I still could not stop the sobbing.  6 weeks of repressed grieving came pouring out of me all at once.  My husband was asking if I wanted to turn around and go back home.  I remember saying “What Home? Our home is someone elses now and all of our belongings are in New Jersey.”  I was so unprepared for the emotions that flooded my being.

until next time