Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5

We left Missouri and we got to Ohio and everything that had been shoved to the back of my mind and heart came flooding back in.  We were halfway between our old home and life and our new home and life. The tears began to flow and then the uncontrollable sobbing began.  My poor husband had never seen his bubbly wife like this before.  The emotions were pouring out of me as if they had no where else to go.  I had never cried so hard or so long,  We stopped at a road side park and got out to take a walk and get some fresh air.  I was still sobbing.  We had a dog and we needed to let him have a break.  I still could not stop the sobbing.  6 weeks of repressed grieving came pouring out of me all at once.  My husband was asking if I wanted to turn around and go back home.  I remember saying “What Home? Our home is someone elses now and all of our belongings are in New Jersey.”  I was so unprepared for the emotions that flooded my being. 

Chapter 6
We arrived in New Jersey and for the next 4 months, a day did not go by that I did not have a good long cry.  Sometimes I would be driving in the quiet of my car and the emotions would take over, sometimes it would happen over a commercial or a TV show, sometimes a song, sometimes the tears came for no reason other than the fact that my heart was broken and wounded.

My husband was working a ton of hours and there was a lot of lonely, quiet moments.  His plate was over flowing. He had taken on a position that required a lot of investigation of past practices as well as dealing with someone in the office that was bitter because they wanted the position.  This person was determined to make my husband fail.  Add to all of that, he had a wife that was trying to put the pieces back together.

If you are from the East Coast,  New Jersey, or New York-you are familiar with the people and practices there.  It is very different from the Midwest.  It is not that one way is right or wrong, it is just a different way of life. It was very hard to make friends there.  People don’t let new people in and welcome them like they do in the Midwest.  I was in the grocery store one day and this gal was behind me, her little girl was eating a cupcake that was billowing over with bright blue frosting.  She had frosting all over her face and hands.  She was so adorable.  She was touching each piece of my food, that she could reach, as it went across the conveyor belt.  She was in the back of the shopping cart and I looked at her and smiled and asked her if she was about 3 years old.  She looked up and smiled.  Her Mom apologized for most of my food being covered in blue frosting.  I sincerely told her I did not mind at all.  Her Mom looked at me and smiled and said “You are so nice, you must not be from New Jersey.”  I laughed and said, “No, I am from Missouri.”  She said, “We just moved her from California, would you like to get together?”  We exchanged phone numbers and I left for home to unload and clean up my groceries.  A couple of days later Chris (the Mom) called and we got together.  We are still friends to this day.  It did my heart good to have a friend to chat, laugh and get together with.  Many times when we would get together, I would play, and dance to music with Dani (their little girl).  You look at children and wonder what your child would have looked like or what their personality would have been like.

The healing process was beginning.

If we had been around family and friends my healing process may have been different but this was the plan that God had for me. Everyone heals in a different way and what is “right” for one person may not be for someone else.  Grieving can not be compartmentalized and given exact time frames.  Maybe I had to go through this for you, because the Lord knew that one day I would sit at a computer and write words that would touch your heart, while you are grieving the loss of a precious baby.  This life that I live is not all about me, so I never asked “WHY ME”.  My thought process was more “Why not me.  I am a sinner saved by grace and why do I deserve a perfect life and not have to go through any trials.”

I will change course here just a little and tell you that my husband and I both dealt with the grief very differently.  I share that because you need to know, that is a very real possibility.  We had committed to each other that we would not let this divide us.  Stress can crumble a once strong relationship and we were determined to stay strong.

My husband had his private moments where he dealt with things but appeared on the outside to be moving on.  He was trying to be strong for me because he knew how hard this was on me.  I, on the other hand could crumble for no reason.

The healing process comes in stages.  It is OK to laugh, it is OK to begin to heal and feel normal again.  Life will never be the same, there will always be a empty spot in your heart but the wounds will not be so raw to the touch and the edges will scab over and begin to heal.  Laughing, doing normal things, and looking to the future-does not mean you have forgotten about this little baby or that you no longer love that little life, it just simply means you are beginning to heal.

Until next time…