Cheri Peoples

Proverbs wrap up-Beauty and the Beast

by CHERI on June 6, 2010

Proverbs 31:30 (New International Version)

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

update: Let me state,  I know all families are not the example below.  I have asked someone who is on the opposite side of this issue if she would like to do the devotional on this topic from her point of view.  Hopefully she will be here next week and we will do the final wrap up the following week.

We have one more week of the Proverbs 31 lady.  Sorry I have not posted for the last 2 weeks.  I have been super busy working on the DIY Club inc site.

Charm is deceitful–This passage is an instruction manual for this queen’s son–the one who would be ruler and what he needed to look for in a wife.  As she instructs him, she tell him-charm is deceitful.  This could be the charms from the wrong type of gal but also we need to be aware of those around us who seem to be  “charming” people.  Have you ever been around someone who said all the right things but you just didn’t get a good feeling from them?  This ties in perfectly with the next line–BEAUTY IS FLEETING.  Don’t get wrapped up in JUST charm or beauty.

No one stays young forever.  I believe some people stay younger looking much longer, and the way you live your life can play a huge roll in that.  Someone who tans a lot, or smokes a lot–their skin texture is very different as they age. Someone under constant stress can look older, or weight can play a part.  Genetics plays a part as well.  I saw an interview with Rob Lowe a few years back and he said his parents both look very young-he was being interviewed by Oprah and she joked and said he was a freak of nature.

Last season on the Bachelor, I was cracking up at the end, when he sent the nice girl home and kept the “bad girl” and yet he said I typically go for those HOT relationships that fizzle out quickly.  OKAY aren’t you following the exact same path you have always followed? UHHH-HUHHH!  We’ll see if it lasts but his parents sure would have picked the other gal for their son.  Maybe he should have read this passage before going on the show.

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

We need to instruct our children on the types of qualities that they need to look for in a person.  Now I totally believe that someone should not just look at qualities, they need to be attracted to their spouse.  This isn’t just a business contract but they need to look at this from the standpoint–I will be crawling in bed with this person 50 years from now and they will not look the same and I need to love this person not just for the outer beauty that they have but the character qualities that they display as well.

I believe most people go into marriage with the mind set that they will MAKE IT WORK or they go into it with the mindset DIVORCE IS NOT WHAT I WANT BUT IT IS AN OPTION IF THIS ISN’T WHAT I THINK IT WILL BE.  That changes everything.  I know labor and delivery can be hard on some people, personally I LOVE labor and delivery and was quite sad when G3 was born by emergency c-section/  I was thrilled that he was born safe and healthy and that was the number one priority but a part of me was sad that I didn’t get to go through labor and delivery.  CALL me CRAZY but I really do love it.  After G3 being born by c-section and having terrible side effects after the fact, being re-admitted into the hospital 2 days after being released and living on percoset(sp?)  for 6 weeks is not the way to go, I was determined to have G4 as a VBAC.  I was in full labor thanking my Dr and the nurse was looking at me –like ‘is she for real’.  I told her I just love LABOR & DELIVERY and she said “I have never had a lady thanking her dr while in hard labor”.  The same Dr delivered all 4 of our kiddos.  When I had G1,-after being in hard labor for @16 hours, my Dr came to my bedside and he said, “Cheri, I can’t believe you never cussed at me once or yelled at your husband once”.  I looked at him and said “I would never do that, for me it’s a mind set”.  My husband said “Dr. P  I have never even heard her cuss in our entire married life.”   I won;t speak for all women because I can only judge my situation but I had been without any sleep the night before.  We arrived the night before and I was jelled and had light labor all night and virtually -no sleep-then up early the next morning and labor began with double contractions (no time for a breath in between before the next one comes and that started at a 3) and he was almost delivered the next day, it was so late by time he arrived–under the circumstances it could have been easy to follow that path but I chose not to. It goes to the core of who I am and what lines I will or will not cross.

This is not a beauty and the beast fairy tale.  Our children don’t have to fall in love with an ugly hunchbacked, red headed, buck-teethed, pimple infested, bad breath, curly mis-managed hair misfit that they are embarrased to be seen with, BUT they also should not have to search for good character qualities, to find the inner beauty.  The beast was mean and had a nasty temper–that is not something I want my children to look for in a spouse. I don’t want them to be the one who thinks they can redeem all the misfits.  They can be-friend them but they don’t need to date them. If the person is not turning around their life then my children need to brak ties and pray someone else can come into their life to head them in the right direction–the seed has been planted.

I know I will possibly open a can of worms here–there are some people who believe in “DATING” and others who believe in “COURTING”.  If you have never heard of Courting–there are many levels and avenues people take.  It is not a venture our family is looking into.  We have a few friends who have decided that this is the path they want to take for their children.  Some of the families, that we know, are doing it, in our opinion, more as a control factor.  Yes, they desire the best for their children but they are trying to force guidelines to ensure happiness for their kids.  Will it work-possibly.  Their are some families, who have children, who have followed the plan and are married.  Can it fail-absolutely and that is what they are not willing to look at.  As I have had conversations with some friends and brought up scenarios as said “in your words…” and they don’t know what they would do or think–they are only planning on the absolute best scenario.  Each child has a different personality and will react differently.

Here is an example–one of our friends say — they do not want their children to give their hearts away to anyone but their spouse. (They don’t even allow their children to watch TV shows that involve dating, getting married, even someone being interested in someone else–seriously their children watch DVDs of I love Lucy etc…) They feel like once they have given their heart away or had a crush on someone, they are “tainted” because a part of their heart is always with that other person.

Scenario #1–puberty comes along, they can not talk to their parents and tell them the feelings they have about someone because they know how their parents think about this.  (Do you see any huge warning flags here-I do -We have told our kids, even if they think we will be disappointed in them-They can come to us about ANYTHING.)

Scenario #2–you have a child who likes to “rock the boat”.  What if they sneak behind their parents back.

Scenario #3–they get to college and are around other normal, dating couples and friends who have dated before and they talk to them about the benefits of dating, over just courting and the possible problems with courting.  I am not talking about someone trying to get them to go against their parents, but opening the lines of discussion and the kids see the other side of things –for the first time–because all they have ever heard is the benefits of courting.  They decide that they want to date instead of court–now what?

Scenario #4-(This couple believes that once you have given your heart away, you can’t fully give it to someone else.)Let’s say they follow their parents plan.  Say one of the girls finds a guy who is willing to go with this plan (they want their kids to be in a relationship start to end, before the wedding for a total of 3 months so they aren’t “tempted”) but in the short dating relationship-he gets cold feet and breaks it off.  Maybe his parents are totally against this–as many loving parents would be concerned.  So, now she has given her heart away–is she tainted?  (Add to this, a girl is supposed to pray about the guy she is interested in and then approach him and tell him her plan of courting and her parents 3 month plan. This could be a hit movie–“How to end the possibility of ever getting engaged”.  Most guys are going to have cold feet INSTANTLY.)  (Plus–if my son called me from college and said I have meet this girl and I am interested in her and she has approached me about COURTING, her parents want us to be married in 3 months-WHAT!!!  My instructions would be to slow this down instantly, there is no need to rush into things…There are warning signs all over this.)

What if one of their boys finds a gal but her parents say–we are paying for this wedding and their is no way we are going with a 3 month wedding plan–you must date for at least a year–then what?

I know people who had short dating relationships and ended up in divorce because they didn’t KNOW the person and saw a side to them after they were married.  I know of a couple, who married, and she did so just to get out of the house and committed to the relationship, even though the she was not in love and the guy was willing to wait for her to fall in love and she did over time.  I am not discounting that God can work in a relationship, we just like to talk to our children about qualities to look for and dating is the avenue to be able to see what a real relationship is going to be like.  For us Dating is that time to find the qualities that you like in someone.  I sure am glad I didn’t marry my first “love” but I’m glad I dated them and had the opportunity to get to know them.  I am happy for them, that they are all married and have families of their own.  I love my husband and we know all of the life experiences we have been through make each of us stronger.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

1 Lisa~ June 6, 2010 at 11:58 am

Hi, you have some very interesting thoughts. Our family does believe in courting, so I hope you don’t mind my sharing my thoughts too. Please don’t take it as defensive or that I am offended. That is definitely not my heart. 🙂

First, not all courtship parents are controlling and overbearing to the point that their children will marry just to leave home. I know you didn’t say that and you probably don’t think that at all. But I just wanted to add that it can happen in any situation. There are a lot of parents taking the “normal” route of dating, college, etc and their kids will do anything to get away from home.

Along the same lines, your scenarios could all happen in any situation. They don’t have to be courtships to have trouble talking to their parents, sneak around, have outside influences or failed relationships. It seems to me that these are problems with other areas. Again, I know you are just giving examples. But to me they are not arguments against courtship when they could happen to anyone.

Our older children have shared their struggles with us without fear of disappointing us. Our belief in courtship is just an extension of who we are. First and foremost we are parents that love our children and want the very best for them that God has to offer. We work very hard to let our children know that we all have struggles with living for God….and by the way, that’s what we teach them….living for God not living for their parents.

I don’t understand the three month thing. I’ve never heard that before. But I do know that relationships that started in courtship sometimes fail. I don’t know the statistics, but I wonder if it is less than marriages that began with dating. Anyway, there are no formulas or rules here. For our family, dating the way it is done today is not an option. But we don’t know what the Lord has planned for our children and they certainly are different and have different paths, so I am sure their future courtships will be different also. Like you said, there’s another person involved with their own ideas and family influences. We don’t have a specific plan, it seems like that could be asking for trouble. But the goal must be purity, honoring God’s Word and glorifying Him. Lisa~

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